The point of yesterday's post (that the tBlog monster ate) is that there isn't too much to say here any more.  So naturally, this will be a long post :)

I did some number crunching.  There's still one more bill from the attorney coming but so far this has cost over $8,000 (attorney, settlement, etc.)  It could have been a lot worse and I'm grateful that it wasn't.   But it was an expensiv e lesson. 

I had big concerns when we married that it wasn't going to work out.  Not just cold feet, but big red warning lights.  He was 30 - had never lived on his own, had already been bankrupt, had never worked steadily and had a violent temper.  I'm a positive person and he is a very negative person but he said he wanted to be less cynical.  He said I was good for him.  He said he loved me - I knew that what he meant was that he needed me, but it felt like enough.

I thought somehow we could make it work.  I thought being a father would wake up something in him to grow up.  I thought I could do without the things that were missing (compassion, tenderness, generosity) and make do with just having a companion.  I thought that treating him the way I wanted to be treated would inspire him to do likewise. I was wrong. 

My heart is so confused.  I'm delighted to be on the right path.  I'm so full of hurt that I hardly feel it any more - and at other times, it's so heavy it feels like it could break me.  I'm trying to work it through but I'm mad myself for being such a fucking Pollyanna.  I don't WANT to be a cynical bitch.  I want to believe that people are basically good until they prove me wrong.  I just need to not marry them before I figure it out.  *whacks self in head.

They say "Never say never".  This feels pretty certain though. I never want to go through this again.

Only 2 days left.  Good Lord it's taking forever.

Har!  I'm so punny.

I went to a court-required class on parenting through a divorce.  I left with a jumble of feelings.  Mostly, I was annoyed by the videos.  Very preachy, overly dramatic with hushed tones, heart-string piano and violins, children now in their 30s weeping how their lives were ruined because of their parents divorce.  It was so friggin heavy-handed I wanted to start slapping people.

It wasn't the divorce itself causing the problems - the parents were being jerks.  THAT is the problem!  They showed parents putting their kids in the middle of arguments.  Parent and/or grandparents bad-mouthing the absent parent in front of the kids.  They were illustrating all the things one should NOT do, which is fine, but for 2 solid hours?  Gimme a break. 

Better yet, toss in a tool that I CAN use (nah - not tire irons!). Instead of filling my head with bad examples, how about interrupting the scene with a psychologist giving examples of how to CONSTRUCTIVELY handle the crisis?  Because I know they're going to happen.  I'm open to getting help - not endlessly lectured at, but help.  

One positive thing about the experience - it makes me determined that MY child doesn't wind up in some lame-ass video claiming the divorce ruined her life.  I may screw up her psyche in 100 new and exciting ways, but that won't be one of them!

Without getting nasty about it, I would like just ONE day that he doesn't show up in some way or another.   He called me at work today just to "talk" and to tell me that he's going to call home TONIGHT.  *blink*  What?

He calls or emails every day.  He talks way too much about things like in the last post.  He's running out of money.  He doesn't know what he's going to do.  He only has a month left with his parents.  He's having trouble finding a job.  He wants to see his daughter more often.  Maybe he'll drive 3 hours west to look for work.  Maybe he'll... maybe ... blah blah blah.  At that point my ears shut off.  I've learned to say "well, I have to go now.  I'm sure you'll figure something out."

I thought being separated meant... well, that you're separate?!  I guess we'll have to have ANOTHER talk.  He sure isn't quick about respecting boundaries, you have to hit him over the head.  I do know this - I didn't care about his bullshit while we were together, I sure as FUCK don't care now.  Grrrrrrrrrrrr....

Notes to self:
He is not my child.
I do not have to take care of him.
His inability to manage his money is NOT MY PROBLEM.
Repeat.
Repeat again.

Now REMEMBER THAT next time he says "I'm so worried, I'm almost out of money and I don't know if I can pay this bill..."  

What I need to rehearse:
"Oh, I know that can be rough... I'm sure you'll sort it out." 
in place of the "No shit, Sherlock!!" that bounces inside my head ;)   

Mental note: Do not raise K to be as insanely "helpful" (translation CODEPENDENT) as I have been.

Borrowed from my pal JT 

Favorite Food to Crunch
Chocolate chip cookies

Favorite Comfort Food
Mac Cheese

Food That Makes the Best Noise
Bologna and potato chip sandwiches  

Favorite Picnic Lunch
Chocolate chip cookies

Favorite Food Scene in a Movie
Lady and the Tramp, the spaghetti slurping :)

Favorite Food Lyrics
"Squeeze my lemon till the juice runs down my leg "  ;)

Best Food Smell Memory
Mom baking applesauce cake with the Old Family Recipe

Favorite Summer Snack
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES.

Food That Reminds Me Of The Ocean
Shrimp

Favorite Winter Snack
CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIES!

Most Likely To Eat For Lunch
Sammich

Least Likely To Eat For Lunch
Brussel Sprouts, Cole slaw, and Cooked Cabbage.  BLECH. Oh, and Beets.  DOUBLE BLECH

Makes Me Gag
Oh.. welll, see above.

Favorite Wild Foods
His name is...   heh heh

Favorite Medicinal Food
Campbells chicken noodle soup ... and chocolate chip cookies :)

Foods That Reflect My Heritage
Umm... I'm part Irish, Welsh, English, Scottish, German, Cherokee, and lord knows what else.  I don't want to think about what that could mean... so I'll say.. Hamburger!  And a chocolate chip cookie.  

Food Most Like Me
Lasagna.  Layered and tasty ;)

Favorite Raw Food Smell
Raw cookie dough for...  you guessed!  chocolate chip cookies!

I'm not kidding.  And now I'm RAVENOUS.

The weekend was a great experience except for the cell phone which kept ringing. With Caller ID I knew it was him.  I was "unable" to take his calls.  I was with my family, we had just buried my grandmother, and I didn't particularly care to hear of the crisis of the day (everyday is some new crisis of epic proportions).  We separated on March 18.  He has called me EVERY day since then except 2. 

I was doing really well with setting firm boundaries when he decided to come back to the area.  Yesterday there was pressure to bend the rules.  He was very depressed and very apologetic for all the things he's done to us and to the relationship.  He picked up our daughter for a couple hours and wanted to cook dinner for us - and then watch a movie.  I had to put my foot down and disappoint him AND Katie. 

This morning was bizarre. He called shortly after I got to the office. I was very uncomfortable and felt it went way over the boundaries.  He was erratic, depressed, says he's not going to make it on his own, he's going to give up and go back to his parents, he needs to be with Katie everyday, he's sorry he fucked every thing up so badly, etc.  He was talking the way he did when he checked himself into the psych ward last Spring.

I told him to call to make an appointment with his counselor.  Being on his own the 1st time is scary but he CAN get through it.  He made a real cutting remark in response which was good, because I realized I was doing it again - stepping in to help.  I retreated and repeated.  Make the call - get an appointment.  Make the call.  Make the call and TAKE YOUR MEDICINE.  Then I told him I had to go. Only it didn't end there because it's been on my mind all fucking afternoon.  :?

I can't and won't "do this" for him any more.  That was the whole point about divorcing him!  :evil: My life isn't about HIM, it's about me and my daughter.  What WE want and what WE need.  He insists that he and she need to see each other.  Frankly, she does pretty damn fine without him.  It's seeing him come and go and flake around that is damaging.  She doesn't need a life full of promises that are broken at the change of the wind.  He needs to pull himself together and not depend on HER (or me) to make him feel better.  Otherwise, the horrid cycle will never end. 

My friend at work said I'm going to have to get really firm - only allow him to call twice a week, NEVER at work, and only talk to me and Katie about schedules.  And I really hate to play this card - but if he starts to become obnoxious, I will have to see about getting him declared unfit.  I have full-custody and he has standard visitation - but if he is unbalanced, he is dangerous and should not get unsupervised visits.  My job is to protect her, not accomodate his whims.  Especially since just a few weeks ago, he traipsed across the entire country because he couldn't wait to get AWAY from us.  Bastard. 

I hate all this.  I wish he'd stayed in California.

I have this poster on my wall.  It has guided me well.

If you can't read it, the sign post says "Your Life" and "No Longer an Option"

Well, Miss K has certainly been more vocal the past two days.  When Doug calls, she scowls, and when I hand the phone to her, she's pushed it away "I don't want it".  She'll take it anyway, and say hi, then says "mmm hmm, mm hmm" a couple times while he's talking, then says "bye" and hands it back.  I think someone is a little po'd. 

I've also been listening when she's playing with her dolls/toys. She hasn't mentioned a daddy in awhile, but yesterday she had a mommy and baby together and said the daddy was on a trip, then later the daddy came back and they were together again.  I said "yes, sometimes it works out that way, and sometimes it doesn't, sweetheart."  She just nodded.

Later, I reminded her that you can still love someone and be angry with them, or if they hurt you, you can still love them. Like earlier that day when I conked her head against the roof of the van :shock:  So she understands that it's ok if she's angry or sad about Daddy leaving, and he still loves her, and its ok to still love him, too.  

I have now told her that Daddy is coming back for a visit in a couple of weeks.  I haven't said any more than that because I truly can't predict what fling he'll be off on by then.  He seems of a mind to hurry back here now before she turns against him.  I reminded him that we have no way to predict how she'll act when she DOES see him.  We're grownups (physically, anyway) and are having enough trouble, she's still 3.  She may refuse to go, hug him, whatever.  And when he leaves at the end of the visit, she may cling and sob much worse than she's ever done before, or she may be fine.  No way to really know until we get there. 

She's the one my heart breaks for.  He can kiss my ass's ass.

On the positive side, she has been happily singing songs about how Mommy loves her (this was after she trashed my laptop and I got angry, but still assuring her that I do love her.. then she moved on to the DVD player!  ARGH!) and what a good team she and Mommy are, and we can do anything, and so on :)  That does my heart good.  We ARE a great team!

But he's still an ass.  ;)